Today I learned

Well, not quite today as in 05MAY2021. I've been seeing a therapist since before the pandemic to help me work through some personal issues. Along the way, I've learned a ton of new things about myself, and to be honest most of it was validation of what makes me who I am today. I didn't enter therapy seeking validation. I went there to vent and reduce my blood pressure, and it became so much more.

So what have I learned? 

It's okay to not like bars, crowded spaces, and loud places. I carry earplugs with me just in case. It's also okay to suggest alternatives to these spaces and that I should not feel like I am upsetting the apple cart.

My sarcasm are hugs. Although I am getting better at accepting and receiving platonic physical gestures, I use sarcasm to let people know I've brought them into my circle. Otherwise it's fist bumps and awkward waves for the rest of you.

I'm really good at setting boundaries even though I don't always express them tactfully. And I'm very careful not to let work and personal life blur those lines.

My self-described OCD isn't really OCD. I have some of those tendencies, but in fact my therapist assured me that I don't have OCD. As I described my routines and behaviors that I deemed problematic or that might interfere with my work, most of the things I described stem from events where failure had occurred in the past and I was working to reduce the risk of them occurring again. Informed preparation is not OCD.

What things do I still need to work on?

I don't like socializing in the conventional sense. I'm terrible at it. I can be cold, aloof, and indifferent to strangers. But, the moment someone needs help or there is a problem to solve, I'm usually the first to offer assistance. We're still navigating the middle ground here. I don't see the need to be better at socializing, but I think my therapist wants to ensure that I don't become the hermit crab as I get older. (I know, I'm projecting.) There's value in this, but I'm still sorting that bit out on why there is value and what it means to be social on my terms.