Last year about this time, I had written nine of my End of Year letters, and sent three. The other six still sit in a box on my desk. I was distraught with the loss of a career, close friends, and the prospect of finding a new job looked terribly grim. If you've ever played on one of my teams, you know the roller coaster analogy. This drop seemed like it would never end, until March when I interviewed and was hired for my current job. I had to rediscover my identity. I had to unlearn a lot of behaviors, and I had to figure out a way to get the roller coaster uphill so I could get to the fun part of the ride. Here's a run down on how that went.
I made new friends. If you know me well, you know I don't make friends everywhere I go. I'm not one for small talk. There are several things that I can talk about at length with anyone that is willing to listen: reading, teaching, learning, and volleyball. My other hobbies aren't really conversation worthy unless we are doing them together, and mostly it's just me doing the thing poorly but still enjoying the company like golf or pickleball. It's my clumsiness around people and things that makes for a good story, but I digress.
So it took about a year, but I did it. I have introduced one friend to volleyball. So much volleyball that she kindly repeats some of my favorite coaching cues (we're early) when she spots it. I have to say, it was really fun to connect with another person and not talk about work all the time, but instead reflect on our own relationships with other people. When I was going to the therapist on a regular basis, this was my single most gratifying kind of conversation. Because if you haven't figured it out yet, I really don't understand my own relationships with other people. I rely heavily on my friends for that feedback.
I made time for myself. In this recovery year, I made time to take a break from job hunting and go for walks to explore the neighborhood. These walks saved my sanity and ultimately kept me motivated when I felt like nobody wanted to hire some grumpy nerd lady to fix things or coach volleyball. Once I got a job, I scheduled and continue to schedule regular massages. I have started lifting again and doing my mobility work on a regular basis.
For a while, my knees just really hated me. I listened and started small with the bands, and now throw in a kettlebell workout once a week, and my knees do feel much better. With all of this new found free-time, I have gotten into the habit of cycling to run small errands, and eventually when I get stronger will cycle to work more frequently after the winter. In my meditations, I found myself calmer more often than not and realized I had been in fight mode for most of 2021 and that carried into 2022 until I gave myself the space to take my time and just be.
What I discovered over the summer is that I've been a part of chaotic and destructive cycle. I don't have to live that way anymore. I know who I am and what I am. My identity isn't tied so tightly to my job anymore. I can be myself and it isn't a novelty. I can unlearn a lot of work habits that were useful to me previously without sacrificing my values. I gifted myself good friends, good food, and good scenery. It's been a long time since I've been able to be so generous to myself and others at the same time. This is the me that I like best. The one that sends the letters that she writes. Anyway, I think the roller coaster is getting good again, looking forward to the loops, twists, and turns.
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