Putting 2022 In The Rear View

Last year about this time, I had written nine of my End of Year letters, and sent three. The other six still sit in a box on my desk. I was distraught with the loss of a career, close friends, and the prospect of finding a new job looked terribly grim. If you've ever played on one of my teams, you know the roller coaster analogy. This drop seemed like it would never end, until March when I interviewed and was hired for my current job. I had to rediscover my identity. I had to unlearn a lot of behaviors, and I had to figure out a way to get the roller coaster uphill so I could get to the fun part of the ride. Here's a run down on how that went.

I made new friends. If you know me well, you know I don't make friends everywhere I go. I'm not one for small talk. There are several things that I can talk about at length with anyone that is willing to listen: reading, teaching, learning, and volleyball. My other hobbies aren't really conversation worthy unless we are doing them together, and mostly it's just me doing the thing poorly but still enjoying the company like golf or pickleball. It's my clumsiness around people and things that makes for a good story, but I digress. 

So it took about a year, but I did it. I have introduced one friend to volleyball. So much volleyball that she kindly repeats some of my favorite coaching cues (we're early) when she spots it. I have to say, it was really fun to connect with another person and not talk about work all the time, but instead reflect on our own relationships with other people. When I was going to the therapist on a regular basis, this was my single most gratifying kind of conversation. Because if you haven't figured it out yet, I really don't understand my own relationships with other people. I rely heavily on my friends for that feedback.

I made time for myself. In this recovery year, I made time to take a break from job hunting and go for walks to explore the neighborhood. These walks saved my sanity and ultimately kept me motivated when I felt like nobody wanted to hire some grumpy nerd lady to fix things or coach volleyball. Once I got a job, I scheduled and continue to schedule regular massages. I have started lifting again and doing my mobility work on a regular basis. 

For a while, my knees just really hated me. I listened and started small with the bands, and now throw in a kettlebell workout once a week, and my knees do feel much better. With all of this new found free-time, I have gotten into the habit of cycling to run small errands, and eventually when I get stronger will cycle to work more frequently after the winter. In my meditations, I found myself calmer more often than not and realized I had been in fight mode for most of 2021 and that carried into 2022 until I gave myself the space to take my time and just be.

What I discovered over the summer is that I've been a part of chaotic and destructive cycle. I don't have to live that way anymore. I know who I am and what I am. My identity isn't tied so tightly to my job anymore. I can be myself and it isn't a novelty. I can unlearn a lot of work habits that were useful to me previously without sacrificing my values. I gifted myself good friends, good food, and good scenery. It's been a long time since I've been able to be so generous to myself and others at the same time. This is the me that I like best. The one that sends the letters that she writes. Anyway, I think the roller coaster is getting good again, looking forward to the loops, twists, and turns. 

Why the extra -er?

I'm funny that way. If you recall, a tinker is someone that fixes things in an unskilled or uninformed way.  I add the extra -er because my tinkering is quite deliberate. I like to take objects, ideas, and systems apart and reassemble them to make them more efficient or find out how they work, or in some cases don't work. Sometimes I pronounce or spell words incorrectly on purpose. Tinkerer is one of those gags I borrowed from an old SNL skit with Chris Farley when he used to talk about "living in his van down by the river". It's sort of funny that I do fix things for a living and for fun, but I am one of the clumsiest people I know. The reason I'm good at fixing stuff, is because I break a lot of stuff. Ask anyone that knows me. If you want a really good story you can ask about the time I spilled a beer on someone's love interest because the tables were at an awkward height and I just didn't know what to do with my arms.

What I Miss Most

Here's something I started in April, but didn't finish until today.

Spring season the time when nature and fall sports teams renew, grow, and when needed, correct themselves. This the time in the gym I miss the most. It's when the student-athletes put in a tremendous amount of effort to change patterns. It's difficult because some of the gains are not tangible and often unrealized until next fall. I miss the "a-ha" moments and the satisfaction of connecting with a student that may have been skeptical or confused. There's an intense feeling of accomplishment when one student makes a conscious effort to make better choices on and off the court. So when you get the whole team to buy in, well you can imagine the exhilaration that comes with it. That's a high that balances the worst days in the gym and on the road. ---

I did not participate in summer camp season. For twenty-something years, my summers have been spent traveling to work volleyball camps (for the extra cash, an edge in recruiting, and to network). I must say my wallet, and my body are content with it. My knees got to experience a lot more bicycle trips and hikes this summer and we are happier for it. I did miss the kids joking about my terrible name recall or the fact that they are taller than me. The most enjoyable part of camp is the last day. They say goodbye to their new friends, show their parents what they learned, and thank us for teaching them stuff they didn't even know they didn't know.

Now it's fall again, I've missed preseason, and the first week jitters. I miss hearing about dorm life adjustments from college first years, and the plans of too soon to be departing seniors. I'm not sure if missing the enjoyable parts of my former life as a coach ever ends as grieving is a process, but my new job is slowly capturing my heart and bringing me a lot of unexpected joy. I have new tasks ahead of me to build a positive technology support culture and teach 5th and 6th graders what there is to love about volleyball. While my colleagues are much more in tune with the rhythm of middle school life and helping me adjust, I am slowly but surely getting on beat. My goal this school year isn't to stop missing volleyball but to share the things I enjoy most about it, maybe incorporate the best pieces along the way, and yes to learn everybody's names.

Big Deep Breath

Staring at the drafts here that I may not finish. I'm okay with it. Some of you may know that I moved to Seattle, WA to take an assistant coaching position because it was the right time for me to move on. I was looking forward to coaching in a different division, league, and geographic region. I was optimistic that I could impart my knowledge and experience to assist this new team in their quest for an improved athletic experience.

Someday, I'll tell you about the events that preceded my firing the week before Thanksgiving. I'm sure I can carve out some time to write about the struggles the student-athletes and staff experienced in great detail, but for now, just this: I'm at peace with my decisions. Knowing the outcome of my actions, I would make the same decisions again. I did my job to protect the integrity of our sport, the welfare of the student-athletes and my colleagues. Even though I was fired, I left on my own terms. I spoke my truth and stood up for those that feared retribution. 

I took some time to feel my feelings and sort through them. With help from my people, I'm able to say that if this is how my career ends I'm proud of it. I've had the privilege to work with amazing student-athletes and coaches. Some of them have moved on from volleyball, and I guess it's my turn now. I promised the student-athletes in my farewell note that I'd be alright after this ordeal and I am. One of the first lessons we learn as teammates is that failure is about getting back up. Sometimes when you get back up it isn't to return to the spot where you fell from, but to get an opportunity to attack from another angle.

Lighthouses

I've been obsessed with lighthouses since watching Reading Rainbow as a child and reading the book featured in that episode about a lighthouse keeper. I've read many books since then, and visited several stateside. In fact, second only to public libraries, lighthouses are a mandatory on my travels to new places. Sometimes they're the sole purpose for visiting a certain locale. Obviously some places don't have lighthouses, and while many are automated, I secretly hope that one day, I can live in and maintain one, even if it's just a museum or attraction.

I'm not sure if it's the solitude, the proximity to water, or potential for danger that attracts me, but it's one of those things I've always wanted to experience. I imagine it suits my personality and improvisation skills very well. I have a knack for survival and work well alone. I'm confident in my repair skills. I do pride myself on my ability to fix just about anything and make due with the supplies I have on hand. I used a shoelace to hold a cell phone to a tripod so that we could stream one of our away matches on IG. 

I'm not really sure why or how this came up. I am pretty random that way. I guess I'm good with my hands, and I wish I was able to use them more.

You Gotta Fight, For Your Right, To Repair Things!

Gen Xer here calling on the Beastie Boys to intro my next entry. As a tinker I pride myself in being able to fix just about anything. I have a few different methods. Use schematics and manuals provided by the manufacturer. Use schematics and manuals provided by others like iFixit and YouTube videos. My own experience read trial and error. Because I enjoy fixing stuff, I hardly purchase things new and just buy used or reconditioned items knowing that I’ll make an attempt to fix it myself eventually. If I’m successful, I’ve gotten a few more uses out of it before it completely craps the bed and becomes spare parts or if I fail, I now have experience diagnosing and tearing something down and I didn’t lose too much money in the process. 

This ability and desire to take things apart, repair them, and extend the life of things became a useful skill when I was laid off from work and did freelance repairs on electronics of all sorts. That’s become complicated as makers of the products we use begin to lock down their gadgets and devices with firmware, and parts needed to complete the repairs. Tolerances have become very tight when it’s comes to these powerful and portable devices. So repairs require a little more finesse and and a lot more skill. Now you could take it to an authorized repair location and pay a premium for their expertise, parts, and some sort of warranty on that repair but you also run the risk of being up sold to another product. Whether or not it’s intentional to buy something new because it’s less expensive than fixing it makes for a lot of waste and discourages the potential for a learning moment.

If you get the chance to talk to a lawmaker remind them that we should be able to repair the things we buy with our hard earned money. We are not asking for unlimited warranties or products that last "forever". We just want the chance to access and service our stuff and get as much use out of them as we can. The longer we can use something, the more money we have to spend on other stuff like books, travel, and charitable giving. Plus you're keeping trash out of some landfill from your non recyclable thing and the packaging that comes with buying a replacement.

Dear Seattle

Dear Seattle,

I have arrived. I hope you don't mind, I brought a few of my things and North Carolina heat. I apologize for the heat and promise to do my little part to be a friend to the planet. I've gotten my bearings and with the help of a very nice stranger have finally unpacked. I'm waiting for furniture to arrive, but I'm content with my cot and makeshift furnishings. I appreciate that you've cooled down quite a bit so much so that I've been exploring Eastlake on foot and keeping tabs on my new favorite brunch places. 

Next, I think I'll use public transit to explore the other parts of the city because having a car is cumbersome without a parking permit, and let's face, y'all need to work on your parallel parking skills. But your skylines are gorgeous as are your shores. Don't worry a bicycle is on order and I'll be cruising your streets soon. I do already have a favorite chain, Dick's Drive-In. It is comparable to In-N-Out burger. Fast counter service, straight forward menu, well-paid employees, and lines all the time because it's just so good. Don't ask me to pick a favorite, I love you both.

I know where Mt. Rainer is at all times and I do hope to visit the Cascades eventually. I need a break from your meandering mountain roads. Driving from NC was easy until I got to ND. I was tempted by those speed limits to zoom, but cautioned by the construction and elevation changes to slow down enough to enjoy the drive. I must say you smell different than any city I've lived in or visited. I'm having a hard time describing it. It's not salty or peaty, but dewy maybe. No, not dewy now I'm implying mold, and that's not right. I'll figure out how to describe it properly after a few more weeks. Thanks for having me here. You won't be disappointed.

Sincerely,

Bouaketh