Bucket list

Crossing items off a list brings my lizard brain a great deal of joy. Crossing off bucket list items is pure exhilaration. No, I'm not going to space although I still hope in my lifetime it's possible for average people like me to visit the stars. I keep doing so in my dreams, and for now I'm content with that. Perhaps it's worth its own post in the future.

As a kid I read, From The Mixed Up Files of Basil E. Frankweiler so many bloody times, the librarian gave me a copy when they retired the book from circulation at my college graduation. I gifted it to a child when I was traveling. I'm hoping some kid is reading that copy under a blanket with a flashlight, but I digress. 

It's happening though, I'm visiting Wales and staying at Gladstone's Library. While at the library, I will seek out Arthurian legend, Chaucer contemporaries, and local Welsh lore. I also have visits to Talacre lighthouse (another bucket list item in the subset of lighthouses), and some castles in the area weather permitting of course. 

I haven't done this in a really long time, but I'm going to take my camera and scope out some wildlife. I'll find some deer paths and try to capture some of the local fauna and landscapes. If my knees cooperate, I might take in some elevation and put some miles on my boots. I'm looking forward to my visit and possibly making some new friends. Okay, maybe that's a bit ambitious, but I will say hello to people and introduce myself to them before asking about their dog. (Progress, right?!)

Any how, I've booked all the things and am patiently waiting for this well-earned trip. I'll be sure to share this journey with you in my next entry. If you can't already tell, I've taken a great deal of time to heal and process over the past few years. I fully expect to post here on a regular basis and appear sporadically on social media. 

Daydreams

I get caught daydreaming a lot. When I say a lot, I mean when I'm speaking, sometimes mid-sentence, I trail off to my own little world. I stare and come back to my original thought. My social media friend posted something from NASA about Jupiter. I commented on how I often daydream about what it would be like to visit the other planets and surf the atmosphere of the gas giants in some sort of space vessel. I don't know why I daydream about space so much.

My life as it is, is fulfilling. I get to help people at work on a daily basis and feel like I'm contributing to the success of the younger people that I'm mentoring. I have a social life that doesn't stress me out. It's the perfect balance between my tendency to hermit crab and improving social mores without masking it all. 

Real life is finally satisfying. I wasn't sure if I'd get here after falling so far after my exit from collegiate sports. I think I daydream because I can't read books all the time. I would miss my stop, get hit by a car or fired. Some people draw or make music to express their creative side. Daydreaming is my art because we all know I don't sing or draw so well. Maybe one day, I'll be able to project my thoughts directly from my brain. For now, you get my spectacularly bland writing. Here's some Proust for seasoning.

“When a mind has a tendency towards day-dreams, it’s a mistake to shield it from them, to ration them. So long as you divert your mind from its day-dreams, it will not know them for what they are; you will be the victim of all sorts of appearances because you will not have grasped their true nature. If a little day-dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time.”

― Marcel Proust

Time Flies

How time flies as you get older. There doesn't ever seem to be enough time. Perhaps we need to think about it differently. When I was 20 something years younger, I would try to do as many things as I could when I traveled. I tried to see and do all the things. I had the energy and I needed to maximize my dollars, so why not, right? After decolonizing my brain a bit, I came to the realization that being in places and spending time with people was what I would come to cherish most. Going places and doing things is no longer the goal. I'm really just trying to soak in the views, rest my body, and taste the local flavors.

This summer, I put that to the test. On my excursions, I set out to do one or two cool things each day. Set aside one whole day to relax. And you know what? It made for a really great time to connect with the local vibe and experience some things a typical tourist might overlook. I make a point to visit the library and the dog park on my trips. I feel this is where my people are and where I can find events that would interest me. I ended up with some great memories and photos to go home with. It made travel less stressful because I wasn't in a hurry and I think it made the trips I took more enjoyable and relaxing.

If planning a holiday away feels pedestrian, I highly recommend changing up how you plan or don't plan your time.

Water Otter

Hey there. I just got back from a work conference and a week of actual vacation. No, really. I went on vacation and didn't think about work or perform any chores on visits. The ISTE conference was in Philadelphia. You know what that means right, Reading Market. Did you think I was going to say cheesesteaks? I'm partial to keeping a regular schedule so I skipped the cheesesteaks. For the last 20 something years I've only known the convention center in Philly as a series of never ending volleyball courts. To see it as exhibit halls and learning spaces was kind of strange. No head on a swivel, no nets to trip on and no rando Cheese-Its for me to steal (story for another time).

There were adorable grade school kids from Australia demoing and teaching us the things they learned in their project, among them: robotics, coding, empathy, and problem solving. They had Tim Tams and a little Koala clip. I'm sure they had a blast in their free time. I did all the usual convention things, spoke with peers, shared ideas, ran away from vendors, and learned so much how to help people better.

My teammate from Fisher who is in the HoF, BTW lives in Philly so we hung out, caught up, and had dinner at Cry Baby Pasta. Good teammates like Erin, just kind of pick up the chat like we just had practice yesterday. We mostly talked about current events in our lives, like how she loves living in the city, and how I love living in Seattle. She stopped a few times to make sure the pup was okay because apparently amateur fireworks are not just limited to the Seattleites in Capitol Hill ( I still don't know which spelling is correct-shrugs-). 

My flight home was unpleasant in that Delta rerouted me through 2 cities Atlanta, and Vegas since my flight to Detroit was delayed. This was 10am. I got my meal voucher at 3pm (time change). That was in Vegas (Fricken Vegas, ask me about the time a drunk man proposed on the plane to me and the flight attendant just nodded). I grabbed a quick bite and wandered a bit. I did play the slots and won something for my trouble. Enough that I feel the universe nodded and said, "my bad". That's not even the highlight of this trip. 

Remember Erin? She's famous, at least in my mind for her accent. I giggle something fierce every time she says, "water". It's been probably 10 or years since I saw Erin last. I brace for that bone crushing hug, and she waits for me to tap out. When I say bone crushing, I mean she presses her full weight into your sternum and just squeezes the air out of your lungs. Use your inhaler, Bou, crap I left it at the hotel. We sit, and as soon as the server comes by, I'm already laughing. I'm thinking of jokes and riddles so I can hear her say "water". She pronounces it so that it rhymes with otter. I miss it so much. Thanks for entertaining an old friend, Erin! See you again soon, buddy.

Putting 2022 In The Rear View

Last year about this time, I had written nine of my End of Year letters, and sent three. The other six still sit in a box on my desk. I was distraught with the loss of a career, close friends, and the prospect of finding a new job looked terribly grim. If you've ever played on one of my teams, you know the roller coaster analogy. This drop seemed like it would never end, until March when I interviewed and was hired for my current job. I had to rediscover my identity. I had to unlearn a lot of behaviors, and I had to figure out a way to get the roller coaster uphill so I could get to the fun part of the ride. Here's a run down on how that went.

I made new friends. If you know me well, you know I don't make friends everywhere I go. I'm not one for small talk. There are several things that I can talk about at length with anyone that is willing to listen: reading, teaching, learning, and volleyball. My other hobbies aren't really conversation worthy unless we are doing them together, and mostly it's just me doing the thing poorly but still enjoying the company like golf or pickleball. It's my clumsiness around people and things that makes for a good story, but I digress. 

So it took about a year, but I did it. I have introduced one friend to volleyball. So much volleyball that she kindly repeats some of my favorite coaching cues (we're early) when she spots it. I have to say, it was really fun to connect with another person and not talk about work all the time, but instead reflect on our own relationships with other people. When I was going to the therapist on a regular basis, this was my single most gratifying kind of conversation. Because if you haven't figured it out yet, I really don't understand my own relationships with other people. I rely heavily on my friends for that feedback.

I made time for myself. In this recovery year, I made time to take a break from job hunting and go for walks to explore the neighborhood. These walks saved my sanity and ultimately kept me motivated when I felt like nobody wanted to hire some grumpy nerd lady to fix things or coach volleyball. Once I got a job, I scheduled and continue to schedule regular massages. I have started lifting again and doing my mobility work on a regular basis. 

For a while, my knees just really hated me. I listened and started small with the bands, and now throw in a kettlebell workout once a week, and my knees do feel much better. With all of this new found free-time, I have gotten into the habit of cycling to run small errands, and eventually when I get stronger will cycle to work more frequently after the winter. In my meditations, I found myself calmer more often than not and realized I had been in fight mode for most of 2021 and that carried into 2022 until I gave myself the space to take my time and just be.

What I discovered over the summer is that I've been a part of chaotic and destructive cycle. I don't have to live that way anymore. I know who I am and what I am. My identity isn't tied so tightly to my job anymore. I can be myself and it isn't a novelty. I can unlearn a lot of work habits that were useful to me previously without sacrificing my values. I gifted myself good friends, good food, and good scenery. It's been a long time since I've been able to be so generous to myself and others at the same time. This is the me that I like best. The one that sends the letters that she writes. Anyway, I think the roller coaster is getting good again, looking forward to the loops, twists, and turns. 

Why the extra -er?

I'm funny that way. If you recall, a tinker is someone that fixes things in an unskilled or uninformed way.  I add the extra -er because my tinkering is quite deliberate. I like to take objects, ideas, and systems apart and reassemble them to make them more efficient or find out how they work, or in some cases don't work. Sometimes I pronounce or spell words incorrectly on purpose. Tinkerer is one of those gags I borrowed from an old SNL skit with Chris Farley when he used to talk about "living in his van down by the river". It's sort of funny that I do fix things for a living and for fun, but I am one of the clumsiest people I know. The reason I'm good at fixing stuff, is because I break a lot of stuff. Ask anyone that knows me. If you want a really good story you can ask about the time I spilled a beer on someone's love interest because the tables were at an awkward height and I just didn't know what to do with my arms.

What I Miss Most

Here's something I started in April, but didn't finish until today.

Spring season the time when nature and fall sports teams renew, grow, and when needed, correct themselves. This the time in the gym I miss the most. It's when the student-athletes put in a tremendous amount of effort to change patterns. It's difficult because some of the gains are not tangible and often unrealized until next fall. I miss the "a-ha" moments and the satisfaction of connecting with a student that may have been skeptical or confused. There's an intense feeling of accomplishment when one student makes a conscious effort to make better choices on and off the court. So when you get the whole team to buy in, well you can imagine the exhilaration that comes with it. That's a high that balances the worst days in the gym and on the road. ---

I did not participate in summer camp season. For twenty-something years, my summers have been spent traveling to work volleyball camps (for the extra cash, an edge in recruiting, and to network). I must say my wallet, and my body are content with it. My knees got to experience a lot more bicycle trips and hikes this summer and we are happier for it. I did miss the kids joking about my terrible name recall or the fact that they are taller than me. The most enjoyable part of camp is the last day. They say goodbye to their new friends, show their parents what they learned, and thank us for teaching them stuff they didn't even know they didn't know.

Now it's fall again, I've missed preseason, and the first week jitters. I miss hearing about dorm life adjustments from college first years, and the plans of too soon to be departing seniors. I'm not sure if missing the enjoyable parts of my former life as a coach ever ends as grieving is a process, but my new job is slowly capturing my heart and bringing me a lot of unexpected joy. I have new tasks ahead of me to build a positive technology support culture and teach 5th and 6th graders what there is to love about volleyball. While my colleagues are much more in tune with the rhythm of middle school life and helping me adjust, I am slowly but surely getting on beat. My goal this school year isn't to stop missing volleyball but to share the things I enjoy most about it, maybe incorporate the best pieces along the way, and yes to learn everybody's names.