My luck is rotten. The most random things happen to me. The three occasions where I was in the company of friend that witnessed these random happenings swear it's just because it's me, I still dont' know what that means.
Part I: The Tazer
I was in PA recruiting while the big guy was in Chicago. We split up often to see more athletes and cover more ground. Across the street from my hotel, I was gassing up my car. My receipt didn't print and I walked in quick to retrieve it. I came back out and there a random woman blocking entry into my vehicle. I asked her what she was doing, then this wall of vodka and smoke hit me in the face like a 2x4. SHe said that my car was her car. I said she was mistaken. Her reply, "Oh really, prove it, what is your license plate?" Great, I can only reply with the first three letters of the plate. I asked if I could call her a cab, she pulled out a tazer and started waving it at me. She was making it crackle and light up. At that moment, I was thinking, college employee gets into a fight or college employee carjacked. I decided neither choice was optimal considering all the press our school has gotten this past year, so I tried to outsmart/outrun her.
At this time I think people in the store were amused by this woman because they did nothing to stop or encourage her. I walked towards my car and pointed, "Look, cops" she fell for it literally stumbling into me with the tazer going, but the batteries or something must have bit it, because all I felt was a tickle. I got in a drove away. Not sure what became of the tazer lady, but I was glad to be rid of her.
Part II: The Accidental Creep
Part of my job as a coach is to watch kids play and take notes about their abilities. Occasionally I use my phone to look up schedules and roster information so I can find out more about an athlete that piques my interest. I often watch from the endline as I take notes and chat with colleagues doing the same. Speaking of smartphones, kids like to take pictures of themselves making funny faces and whatnot. Many times they find out after the fact that someone has inadvertently entered their frame.
Enter the goofy coach in her maroon polo taking notes. As these kids giggle about the cool pics they have and faces they are making the girl that owns the phone holds up the phone and zooms in on one particular shot of her and her pal, who's mug appears, bright and clear?
Me: "Uh, sorry about that."
Her: "No, it's funny, my friends are all having a laugh."
Me: "So we are going to delete that one, right?"
Her: "Yes, I'll delete it right away."
What probably happened, she threw that sucker on Instagram the moment I walked away to watch a different court. It's a good thing I don't have my college logo on everything I wear recruiting or else the Greater Pittsburgh area would be having a laugh at my expense. I guess I don't see how that's different from any other day.
Part III: Gopher and Karma
As you know one of my jobs involves working for a courier. On this special day I had the good fortune of really nice weather. Made it to my destination without incident, I drove through a town called, Pillow. What could possibly happen? On my way home, I came close to hitting a deer. The deer looked at my car, and across the road. It made a run for it, but slipped in the rumble strip on the other side of the highway. I chuckled.
An exit or two later I spotted a woodchuck debating whether it should cross or not. I changed lanes. The creature froze. There were vehicles behind and next to me. I drove over the little guy hoping he would stay still, nope road pizza.
Karma paid me a visit later that night as I washed dishes in my spiffy pink rubber gloves. It's a little warm with the hot water and all so naturally my hands are bit sweaty. As I'm finishing up and trying to take these dishwashing gloves off. After some finesse, I manage to remove the first glove. Now I have a free hand from which to pull the second glove off. Doesn't that glove slap me across the face as I yank on it with all my might. I'm still trying to decide if it was laughing at the deer or crushing the poor woodchuck.
31 May 2012
Pen Heaven
My second job involves picking up and delivering packages for transport. Sometimes, I'm just an arm of a larger delivery company and sometimes I'm the third or fourth cog in the subcontract wheel. Anyway, I was at the Cleveland Cargo counter and in the midst of schlepping the package, my clipboard, and paperwork from my car to the counter I must have dropped my pen.
I borrowed the bic from the counter and proceded to complete the obligatory paperwork. Then these three women who were in the late sixties I suppose strolled in asking if their dog had arrived yet. The guy at the counter asked which flight, and one of the ladies replied. All the while one of the taller ladies had been clicking a stainless steel Parker pen in her hand. "Hey, I have a pen like that," I thought to myself. Crazy that in this world someone has a pen just like mine and they happen to be at the same cargo counter.
During this time the routing for my delivery had changed and I had to change carriers and fill out new paperwork. I told the guys at the counter, thanks, since they were busy, but super patient with me and the company I was working with. The old birds went into the waiting area as their dog had not yet arrived. I walked out to my car and looked everywhere for the pen I thought I had. No where in sight. Those birds grabbed my pen.
I borrowed the bic from the counter and proceded to complete the obligatory paperwork. Then these three women who were in the late sixties I suppose strolled in asking if their dog had arrived yet. The guy at the counter asked which flight, and one of the ladies replied. All the while one of the taller ladies had been clicking a stainless steel Parker pen in her hand. "Hey, I have a pen like that," I thought to myself. Crazy that in this world someone has a pen just like mine and they happen to be at the same cargo counter.
During this time the routing for my delivery had changed and I had to change carriers and fill out new paperwork. I told the guys at the counter, thanks, since they were busy, but super patient with me and the company I was working with. The old birds went into the waiting area as their dog had not yet arrived. I walked out to my car and looked everywhere for the pen I thought I had. No where in sight. Those birds grabbed my pen.
15 May 2012
Peeving
One of my pet peeves involves looking for parking spots, one of the nutty OCD requirements of a spot be that it be near a light post or at the end of a row. My memory is awful and it just makes it easier to find my car in the end. Back to search for a parking spot, many times I find that a spot is masquerading as open when in fact it is occupied by either a motorcycle, or sub-compact car. Nothing against these vehicles (as I used to own a Yaris), but the act of turning in to a spot, only to find it occupied is frustrating and embarrassing.
As someone that is 5-1, I've been told on multiple occasions that I'm hard to spot in a crowd. This is evident when at a volleyball tournament and the other coaches are looking for me, but don't spot me right away, because I get lost in a forest of arms, legs, and spandex. Take my penchant for wearing school colors and you can see why people have a hard time picking me out when I'm seated in the Hammermill Center when it's moderately full.
Recently, I found myself having lunch at Panera, when a woman threw her jacket into the booth. I said, "Hi" which threw her off for sure, because she jumped in the air a bit. She excused herself and commented that she didn't realize the booth was occupied because she didn't my head over the booth. After this encounter I realized that I am my own pet peeve in human form. Small objects occupying a fraction of the space allotted only to reveal themselves too late.
As someone that is 5-1, I've been told on multiple occasions that I'm hard to spot in a crowd. This is evident when at a volleyball tournament and the other coaches are looking for me, but don't spot me right away, because I get lost in a forest of arms, legs, and spandex. Take my penchant for wearing school colors and you can see why people have a hard time picking me out when I'm seated in the Hammermill Center when it's moderately full.
Recently, I found myself having lunch at Panera, when a woman threw her jacket into the booth. I said, "Hi" which threw her off for sure, because she jumped in the air a bit. She excused herself and commented that she didn't realize the booth was occupied because she didn't my head over the booth. After this encounter I realized that I am my own pet peeve in human form. Small objects occupying a fraction of the space allotted only to reveal themselves too late.
22 September 2011
So you want to ride on the bus, eh.
The warning on head rest reminding you to buckle up, looks suspiciously like a self beheading. DOH.
29 July 2011
Tales from Volleyball Camp
This summer I decided to work a volleyball camp other than the one at Gannon University. This lets me expand my network of volleyball people, and add new ways of teaching skills to my knowledge base. Did I just say knowledge base? I'm officially an ubergeek. I will share tales of personal space invasion, absolute clumsiness, and of course observations of random people, I've never met. Here we go!
July 10: Really excited to meet and work with the great minds at the University of Illinois. Got on the train and fell a asleep, no big deal there. I woke up to a child whispering to his mother, "Look at that huge scar." I promptly replied, "Be careful, I bite!" I heard his mother chuckle, and whispered something I couldn't quite hear. After that the kid would even play checkers with me. I was going to let him win the first game, then crush his hopes of ever winning at checkers again, but never got the chance.
July 13-14: I'm not outgoing, funny, or cute, but somehow campers are infatuated by my nickname and are ultimately drawn to my attempts at impersonations, and creative solutions to Rock, Paper, Scissors. One camper in particular was smitten by my ability to imitate Dumbledore from the viral sensation "Potter Pals". She took the evening downtime as a chance to photograph practically everybody at camp. Sort of sneaking up behind you and blinding you with camera flash. I didn't quite appreciate it, so I did what any adult would do I got my revenge. Her next four or five victims were as unsuspecting as I was, but I had pulled my sweatshirt over my head, Cornholio style and snuck up behind her to scare the piss out of her. I won, she ended up on the floor, everyone in the cafeteria laughed. Before you ask if she went "Carrie" on everybody, it was later and only 20 or so people were there to witness this.
July 16: I took the train back to Chicago and had a long layover before the train to Erie. There were some drunk folks on the train talking about all things cute and inappropriate at the same time. I really hope they were married. I decided to take in a movie, Harry Potter to be exact. While taking the stairs exiting the tube, I noticed this rather tall girl not observing the four stair rule. The dude in front of her stopped suddenly when he realized that he had forgotten something her head went right up his "you know where".
At the movie I took a seat toward the middle as a single viewer. I know how groups like to sit together so I thought I'd be courteous. It just so happened the girl next to me left a seat open. I guess she didn't want to be a creeper. I ended up moving over to it, as I noticed a couple meander through the row. They gave me an appreciative thanks, and offered me gummy bears. They were so sweet. Back to the movie. Somewhere in between Neville taunting the Death Eaters, and McGonnagal always wanting to use "that" spell, the random girl grabbed my hand and drank my water. I kindly asked her to let go and to keep the water. So much for not trying to be a creeper.
July 17: Back to Erie and ready to meet the freshman, take team pictures, meet recruits, and set up for camp. The first impression I make on the freshman and first recruits, BAM. I slipped on a puddle and did a full Charlie Brown in the air. I would have been knocked out had I not been carrying Claren's bag in front. I only smacked my head. Little bump, but the damage was done. Any aura of authority or badass persona I had established has now been reduced to a puddle.
July 22: Flight to Chicago for UI team camp. I was seated in the middle. I'm small I can handle it. The dude by the window writing his great American novel keeps jabbing me in the ribs with his elbow. I shift to the other side of my seat to avoid further invasion. Question, as the middle person are both elbow rests mine? Regardless, the girl sitting on the other side of me, clearly into Twilight and loved Edward more than life itself is immersed in her iPad and watching with great attention. Sometime during the short flight we get sleepy. I wake up to her head snuggled into my arm, i can't feel my hand, her head is huge. Moments after waking up, she snuggles harder, and puts her hand on my thigh. At this point, I poke her head, the same way you would pop a bubble. She woke up, and I told her that she could lean her seat back and rest her head on the space created by my seat and the reclined seat. I also gave her the armrest. She got up and used the bathroom. She came back 10 shades of red. Awkward silence.
July 10: Really excited to meet and work with the great minds at the University of Illinois. Got on the train and fell a asleep, no big deal there. I woke up to a child whispering to his mother, "Look at that huge scar." I promptly replied, "Be careful, I bite!" I heard his mother chuckle, and whispered something I couldn't quite hear. After that the kid would even play checkers with me. I was going to let him win the first game, then crush his hopes of ever winning at checkers again, but never got the chance.
July 13-14: I'm not outgoing, funny, or cute, but somehow campers are infatuated by my nickname and are ultimately drawn to my attempts at impersonations, and creative solutions to Rock, Paper, Scissors. One camper in particular was smitten by my ability to imitate Dumbledore from the viral sensation "Potter Pals". She took the evening downtime as a chance to photograph practically everybody at camp. Sort of sneaking up behind you and blinding you with camera flash. I didn't quite appreciate it, so I did what any adult would do I got my revenge. Her next four or five victims were as unsuspecting as I was, but I had pulled my sweatshirt over my head, Cornholio style and snuck up behind her to scare the piss out of her. I won, she ended up on the floor, everyone in the cafeteria laughed. Before you ask if she went "Carrie" on everybody, it was later and only 20 or so people were there to witness this.
July 16: I took the train back to Chicago and had a long layover before the train to Erie. There were some drunk folks on the train talking about all things cute and inappropriate at the same time. I really hope they were married. I decided to take in a movie, Harry Potter to be exact. While taking the stairs exiting the tube, I noticed this rather tall girl not observing the four stair rule. The dude in front of her stopped suddenly when he realized that he had forgotten something her head went right up his "you know where".
At the movie I took a seat toward the middle as a single viewer. I know how groups like to sit together so I thought I'd be courteous. It just so happened the girl next to me left a seat open. I guess she didn't want to be a creeper. I ended up moving over to it, as I noticed a couple meander through the row. They gave me an appreciative thanks, and offered me gummy bears. They were so sweet. Back to the movie. Somewhere in between Neville taunting the Death Eaters, and McGonnagal always wanting to use "that" spell, the random girl grabbed my hand and drank my water. I kindly asked her to let go and to keep the water. So much for not trying to be a creeper.
July 17: Back to Erie and ready to meet the freshman, take team pictures, meet recruits, and set up for camp. The first impression I make on the freshman and first recruits, BAM. I slipped on a puddle and did a full Charlie Brown in the air. I would have been knocked out had I not been carrying Claren's bag in front. I only smacked my head. Little bump, but the damage was done. Any aura of authority or badass persona I had established has now been reduced to a puddle.
July 22: Flight to Chicago for UI team camp. I was seated in the middle. I'm small I can handle it. The dude by the window writing his great American novel keeps jabbing me in the ribs with his elbow. I shift to the other side of my seat to avoid further invasion. Question, as the middle person are both elbow rests mine? Regardless, the girl sitting on the other side of me, clearly into Twilight and loved Edward more than life itself is immersed in her iPad and watching with great attention. Sometime during the short flight we get sleepy. I wake up to her head snuggled into my arm, i can't feel my hand, her head is huge. Moments after waking up, she snuggles harder, and puts her hand on my thigh. At this point, I poke her head, the same way you would pop a bubble. She woke up, and I told her that she could lean her seat back and rest her head on the space created by my seat and the reclined seat. I also gave her the armrest. She got up and used the bathroom. She came back 10 shades of red. Awkward silence.
09 July 2011
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