So you want to ride on the bus, eh.

The warning on head rest reminding you to buckle up, looks suspiciously like a self beheading. DOH.

Tales from Volleyball Camp

This summer I decided to work a volleyball camp other than the one at Gannon University.  This lets me expand my network of volleyball people, and add new ways of teaching skills to my knowledge base.  Did I just say knowledge base?  I'm officially an ubergeek.  I will share tales of personal space invasion, absolute clumsiness, and of course observations of random people, I've never met.  Here we go!

July 10:  Really excited to meet and work with the great minds at the University of Illinois.  Got on the train and fell a asleep, no big deal there.  I woke up to a child whispering to his mother, "Look at that huge scar."  I promptly replied, "Be careful, I bite!" I heard his mother chuckle, and whispered something I couldn't quite hear.  After that the kid would even play checkers with me.  I was going to let him win the first game, then crush his hopes of ever winning at checkers again, but never got the chance.

July 13-14:  I'm not outgoing, funny, or cute, but somehow campers are infatuated by my nickname and are ultimately drawn to my attempts at impersonations, and creative solutions to Rock, Paper, Scissors.  One camper in particular was smitten by my ability to imitate Dumbledore from the viral sensation "Potter Pals".  She took the evening downtime as a chance to photograph practically everybody at camp.  Sort of sneaking up behind you and blinding you with camera flash.  I didn't quite appreciate it, so I did what any adult would do I got my revenge.  Her next four or five victims were as unsuspecting as I was, but I had pulled my sweatshirt over my head, Cornholio style and snuck up behind her to scare the piss out of her.  I won, she ended up on the floor, everyone in the cafeteria laughed.  Before you ask if she went "Carrie" on everybody, it was later and only 20 or so people were there to witness this.

July 16:  I took the train back to Chicago and had a long layover before the train to Erie.  There were some drunk folks on the train talking about all things cute and inappropriate at the same time.  I really hope they were married.  I decided to take in a movie, Harry Potter to be exact.  While taking the stairs exiting the tube, I noticed this rather tall girl not observing the four stair rule.  The dude in front of her stopped suddenly when he realized that he had forgotten something her head went right up his "you know where".

At the movie I took a seat toward the middle as a single viewer.  I know how groups like to sit together so I thought I'd be courteous.  It just so happened the girl next to me left a seat open.  I guess she didn't want to be a creeper.  I ended up moving over to it, as I noticed a couple meander through the row.  They gave me an appreciative thanks, and offered me gummy bears.  They were so sweet.  Back to the movie.  Somewhere in between Neville taunting the Death Eaters, and McGonnagal always wanting to use "that" spell, the random girl grabbed my hand and drank my water.  I kindly asked her to let go and to keep the water.  So much for not trying to be a creeper.

July 17:  Back to Erie and ready to meet the freshman, take team pictures, meet recruits, and set up for camp.  The first impression I make on the freshman and first recruits, BAM.  I slipped on a puddle and did a full Charlie Brown in the air.  I would have been knocked out had I not been carrying Claren's bag in front.  I only smacked my head.  Little bump, but the damage was done.  Any aura of authority or badass persona I had established has now been reduced to a puddle.

July 22:  Flight to Chicago for UI team camp.  I was seated in the middle.  I'm small I can handle it.  The dude by the window writing his great American novel keeps jabbing me in the ribs with his elbow.  I shift to the other side of my seat to avoid further invasion.  Question, as the middle person are both elbow rests mine?  Regardless, the girl sitting on the other side of me, clearly into Twilight and loved Edward more than life itself is immersed in her iPad and watching with great attention.  Sometime during the short flight we get sleepy.  I wake up to her head snuggled into my arm, i can't feel my hand, her head is huge.  Moments after waking up, she snuggles harder, and puts her hand on my thigh.  At this point, I poke her head, the same way you would pop a bubble.  She woke up, and I told her that she could lean her seat back and rest her head on the space created by my seat and the reclined seat.  I also gave her the armrest.  She got up and used the bathroom.  She came back 10 shades of red.  Awkward silence.

The Play Doh fail

The Boy

Knock, Knock

Let me tell you about my nephew, Bryce. He's the smartest four year old I've ever met. He's protective of his mom, and don't you dare mess up one of his John Deere sing along songs. Well I had the pleasure of babysitting him this past week while my sister was as work. She warned me of all the tricks he has up his sleeve and for the most part she was right.
As a four year old:
His life is all about his mom, trucks, train, and dirt.
He loves his trampoline.
He loves his strawberry yogurt.
Don't make fun of Thomas the tank engine.
He takes everything literally and will hold it against you if you renege.
He doesn't appreciate naps as much as you do.
Did I mention the thing about trucks?

Runner Up event of the week:
At the Strong Museum of Play we had the chance to play in just about everything that could be played on or with. He does well with other children and while he is a know it all will help the other kids and talk any adults ear off willing to listen. As we exited the exhibits, Bryce decided to make up a little game and hop over certain colors and jump on others. I hadn't realized he had missed the landing and did a Nadia on to the carpet. I kept walking and a passing gentlemen asked me if I had forgotten something, whoops I should probably wait for the little guy. He caught back up and was fine. The only thing that would have made that story funnier is if the guy that pointed the fallen child out to me was a ginger.

Grand Prize winner:
We went to Ellison Park to exercise Grady and look for polliwogs, toads, frogs, minnows, crayfish, and the like. We got there without incident. Bryce got a huge kick out of the John Deere front loader that was at a construction site. At the park we also encountered a wood chipper, and Gator 4x4 that Bryce waved at every time it passed. The kids in it were pretty bewildered by it. Grady as usual played well with the other dogs and frolicked to his hearts delight. We didn't have a net so catching minnows was not going to happen, but he got to see them and remarked that all of them won't live to be big fish. Didn't I tell you he was smart? We moved to a different spot where I have seen turtles and frogs and hoped to have better luck with the wildlife. What luck! We found frogs and toads of all sizes. Grady even "found" a friend. Well I was supervising my charge and turned around to see Grady with frogs legs sticking out of his maw. I'm glad I won't have to clean up after that.

We brought home two micro frogs. They couldn't have been bigger than my thumb. Bryce named them Brown Hoppy and Black Hoppy and thought they could live in garden and help mommy catch the flies. I let him take them back home, but in transit, Black Hoppy got out of the bucket and was or is loose in my car. I guess I'll find out in a couple days if it found a way out. I just hope it doesn't live off the dead bugs in my car and grow to be some mutant frog and bite me while I'm driving as revenge for taking it from its home. Many of my stories are about karma and I just hope I've been good.

O'Doyle Rules

I'm not sure if you are starting to sense a theme in my anecdotes or my life in general. In fact today as I'm writing this, my nephew is preparing to run over my foot with his monster truck. Descriptions that come to mind in regards to me: sarcastic, clever, clumsy, generous, and awfully shy around new humans. The fact that a four year old occupies the same space as me is a miracle in itself. There aren't many things I hate, sure I dislike plenty of things who doesn't? It's easier for me to list the things I enjoy than the things I dislike. But there are three things that absolutely frighten me; small children (any human less than 12 years old), heights (even though I will jump out of a perfectly good airplane), redheads (the Weasley family is an exception mainly because they aren't real).

I drove home today to babysit my nephew (4). I only live 2.5 hours away so it wasn't that big of a deal and it will be nice to gear up for a busy July after spending time with family. I have some volleyball camps coming up that will have me racking up my Amtrak miles. I'm a patient person and when it comes to driving, it's all the same. We all get where we're going eventually so why not enjoy some quality time with a book on tape or some songs you haven't heard in a while (1994-1998, mostly grunge).

Well of course there's always someone in a hurry and that someone usually drives like a jackrabbit on crack. One vehicle in particular caught my attention today as I made my way east on I90. White van, not a minivan, I'm talking 12 passenger, cram your small army of a family into three too few seats of a vehicle that already has twelve. I heard those 15 and 12 passenger vans aren't too safe or speedy when fully loaded. Apparently this guy and his horde didn't get that memo. So what did they do that warranted an entry on Independence Day?

If any of you have ever seen Billy Madison, you know about the O'Doyle family that bullies Adam Sandler's character throughout the entire movie. The family of red headed trolls finally meets their doom while piled into the family wagon, and as I recall owes their misfortune to a banana peel.

Back to the White van: large cumbersome vehicle-check, filled to capacity with gingers-check, bullies people through intimidation(tailgating), object throwing(litterbugs), name calling(substitute obscene gesture). So what we have here is a life imitating art situation here. Picture me, short Asian lady driving and rockin' out to Weezer in my Camry at 75mph(speed limit is 65mph). I am driving on the right like a good driver would, unlike those Ohioans that drive at whatever speed they feel and whichever lane is convenient don't get me started on Canadians. Regardless, I notice a White van closing distance on me pretty rapidly. I continue to rock out, and assume they will pass on the left, nope. They continue to ride my bumper for about six miles. Clear traffic mind you and plenty opportunities to pass on the left.

For whatever reason this van has decided to draft or hide behind my vehicle. I am not amused, in fact I am getting slightly irritated, so I slow down in hopes that it prompts the giant van to pass. What does carrot top do? He passes, and has the passenger roll down her window and she throws a fountain soda at my car, flips me the bird, and they speed away. That would have been fine except, of all things, I was low on bug juice, and I had to stop at the next rest stop to fill it back up and clean my windows. I was trying to remember if I had cut the guy off or done something to annoy him, but I don't recall a white van with Indiana plates near me in Erie, PA. Actually I'm quite positive about it. Who can forget a van full of gingers?

After resuming my normal course we get to the toll booths and what do we have here? A mini traffic jam, some lady must be paying in nickels. There's a familiar presence weaving it's way over to the open space in front of me. Oh my the ginger hyenas are in front of me. I hope they don't throw crap at my car. As they pull through the EZ Pass lane, the brakes screech to a halt even though you are supposed to cruise through at 20 mph for the reader to pick up the signal from your transponder. Okay maybe he thinks it's 5mph, some are like that. What seems to be the problem? Oh, you can't find your EZ Pass device? You're the type that leaves it on the dashboard allows it to freestyle as you drive. No toll for you O'Doyle!

Food Prep Saga

Let me begin by thanking Jennifer Remington for reminding me to chronicle my comedic misfortune in blog form.

A chef I am not.  I can cook eggs, bake, prepare pasta and rice, and grill, but that is the extent of my culinary skill.  I have learned how to make things that I adore and find delightful but you wont hear anyone ask me for cooking advice, ever.  I do love fruit and I have a special place in my heart for yogurt.

Recently I decided that maybe I could curb my early morning hunger by having a light snack after dinner.  When I wake up in the morning; a fruit smoothie, toast, and fruit just won't do.  I need eggs.  They fill me up and you can prepare them in all sorts of tasty ways.

So back to my snacking.  I decided that yogurt would be a great choice because I could add so many yummy and healthy things to it.  It take a lot of work and clean up is pretty easy.  Yesterday, I was prepping classic honey, walnuts, and greek yogurt when I slipped in the kitchen on a micro-puddle from washing dishes.  The yogurt was everywhere; in my hair, on the floor, walls, windows, and ceiling.  The nuts and honey mocked me as they were strewn about in the white of the yogurt.  So much for getting to bed at a decent time.  I cleaned up my mess and took a mini shower to get the crud off.

Take 2.  I had to open a new tub of yogurt and three steps from the counter, and bam.  Yogurt tub plus floor equals yogurt explosion.  The mess was worse than the first namely because I was using plain yogurt and not the thicker greek yogurt.  I admitted my defeat and settled for a chocolate pudding.  I should have given up while I was ahead.

Back off Ginger!!!

I'm not a very tall person, I will be the first to admit that I am a shrimpo, and I come from a family of shrimpos.  That is not to say that I don't deserve my own personal space.  A two foot radius in all directions is reasonable.  I remember from my basic training that if you enter a Drill Sergeants 3 foot bubble he or she has a right to correct you in the most painful way imaginable.  Drill Sergeants are very creative when it comes to physical punishment.  So I'm not asking for a whole lot.

While waiting in the check-out line at an undisclosed hardware store, I could feel warm air and wetness on my neck.  What the deuce?  Why are you standing so close to me?  These were the questions that entered my mind.  What came out of my mouth was, "Excuse me, are you in a hurry, would you like to step in line ahead of me?"  "Why thank you!", she replied.  Off her merry little way she went.  At least she wasn't breathing down my neck anymore.  What's a couple more minutes on an very nice day?

As the cashier is wrapping up dragon lady's stuff, doesn't some freaky looking ginger with bad teeth get in line behind me with a cart and take out my Achilles.  I just want some space folks.

Rest Stops and Public Bathrooms

I do enjoy sporting the buzz cut.  It suits my nature as a low maintenance kind of person.  Usually when I stop to relieve myself at rest stops I get looks from people thinking that I'm blind, illiterate, or stupid for using the women's restroom.  I'm used to the stares by now, all those people are just jealous because I am more aerodynamic than them.

I went home one weekend to visit my family in Rochester, NY and on the way back to Erie, PA I stopped at the welcome center in PA on I90 heading West.  I entered the stall as usual and a mother daughter pair had flanked me after I had latched the door.  I assumed the usual position and like most women that use public restrooms I hover so that I don't get the seat wet or have to touch it.  Its a great quad workout.

As I prepared to do my business the pair on either side of me must have thought that their stalls were next to each other because they began conversing.  They talked about shopping, mother's work, father's day, and the long drive they had ahead of them.  I am ashamed to say that I couldn't go.  So I hovered and thought that I would wait until they finished and left.

While I waited there hovering over the bowl, a hand reached underneath the stall and waved at me.
"Hey mom, there's no toilet paper in this stall, can you hand me some please?"
"Honey I don't see your hand."
"But it's right here, I'm grabbing your leg."  -Enter Long Awkward Silence-
"Ummmm, No you are not."
"Erm, here.", as I handed her a wad of toilet paper.

They quickly exited the facilities, and I was finally able to go.  I wandered around a bit, because I didn't want to chance an encounter in the parking lot.  I didn't want them to recognize me by my sandals.  And I didn't want to recognize them by their voices or their license plates.  It's probably better off that we remain complete strangers.

I think this incident teaches us two valuable lessons.
1.  Check the TP in the stall of any public restroom before going.
2.  Do not grab people in a public place that you can't see.

New to PA, time for a new blog.

I started this blog to share my stories with the world. I'm not good about writing on a set schedule. My life is not dramatic or interesting by any means. But there are times where I find myself in awkward and comical situations. I have a collection of anecdotes from the last 10 years or so and I will revisit them on days where I haven't written in awhile or have zero interesting things to post. My memory fails me sometimes so this blog also serves to chronicle my misfortunes and triumphs. For your reference: I'm 5-1, and will make jokes about my height and others, for instance I love getting items off the top shelf for people because it makes me feel tall. I'm extremely handy. I have many epic saves to my name due to my resourcefulness. Not quite MacGyver, but I don't have ten thumbs either. I coach volleyball and love every minute of it. I love technology and try my best to stay current. I consider myself a well rounded geek.