Keeping Thoughts Inside For Now

I've been on a break from sharing my thoughts. For the time being inside thoughts will stay inside. I'm too disappointed in people right now and that's not gonna resolve for several months. I'll be back. Not sure when.

National Women and Girls in Sport Day

For a few months I haven't had the capacity to write. I skipped writing my usual letters in favor of journaling and looking inward. Sport has done for me all the things that it has done for most and then some. In addition to competing, training, and learning with the best athletes and coaches, I've been able to travel, make friends, network, grow, and heal. Today, the President of the United States signed an Executive Order banning transwomen from competing in women's sports.

This EO will cover youth, high school, and collegiate sports. This EO challenges Title IX protections Biden expanded during his administration. Did you know that girls that play sports gain self confidence, learn leadership, teamwork, and are more likely to finish high school? Why would you take away something that is transformative and positive from young people? 

Oh that's right, you have some strange fixation on a child's gender identity? This child's existence doesn't impact your child's opportunities or well being, but you're worried that it is an unfair advantage. Do not tell me that you want to protect children if you are unwilling to let all children be who they want to be. If you want to protect children look at our history gun violence:
-Children from Sandy Hook should be graduating with fond memories of their classmates. Instead, they are remembering those that fell in 2012 when their safe space was violated by person with many guns.
-How many city youth die in gang and gun related violence? You don't know because you don't care to know. You are safe in your house on the other side of town.

Perhaps we can protect our children better by removing sexual predators from our neighborhoods or ensure they have clean drinking water or a safe place to go before and after school to do homework, have a snack, and connect with other youth. It's preposterous to think that a handful of children trying to cope with their identity has such a profound effect on our youth that it necessitates an executive order. On National Women and Girls in Sport Day of all days. It's despicable and will ultimately create more resistance to this intentional action to implement Project 2025.

Sport is a political act. To pretend that it isn't is folly. Will we use children to demonstrate this, I hope not. They are innocent and can't control grown adults from making idiotic decisions that affect them. Olympic history shows us that competing for the oppressor does not afford to us any privilege except to strengthen the oppressor. In addition to boycotts, and displays of protest, athletes have defected and refused to acknowledge their oppressor in competition. 

Guess who is hosting in 2028? Los Angeles. Will Team USA compete, probably yay capitalism. Will the world turn their back on us and refuse to compete and acknowledge us, maybe, it's too soon to tell. There's plenty of time left in this administration to throw more wrenches at our lives, but do not be surprised if we get snubbed at the Olympics in 2028 or in other competitions. We were always the oppressor. 

I have other thoughts on the Olympics, but that's a post for another day. 

Sources
https://bbc.com/news/articles/c20g85k3z35o
https://www.womenssportsfoundation.org/get-involved/ngwsd/

I Don't Know

I was on a coaches panel for some grad students from different universities and majors. Yes we talked about abuse, growth mindset, learning/training styles, and other pertinent topics for young coaches. The things I spoke on about that made others squirm was conflict and "I don't know". We're so used to having solutions and answers because technology exists to provide us with a meaningful way to search for them. But there are things like conflict and the response "I don't know" that cause people to become uncomfortable.

Conflict isn't all bad. In fact, many a team breakthrough has come about because there was a conflict that was resolved in some way whether partly or fully. This notion that every successful team is sunshine and rainbows all the time is ludicrous. You cannot grow if you are always content with conditions. If you seek to improve by as much as 1% you should be looking to change something. Conflict is good when we're invested in the outcome. If we're making a conscious choice to do something we're more likely to follow through. One of my irritations is someone lamenting the sacrifice they're making to be here yada, yada. No, choose to be somewhere and do something to improve your condition. 

We talked about different ways to resolve conflict and I told my past and recent stories about conflict, and how I ultimately lost my job at Seattle University. As a personal note, there was a lot of anger, and hurt surrounding this event in my career, but after therapy and big feelings, I am able to talk about it with others. I'm proud of my growth here although there are times, where I wish I was still coaching. (a post for another day perhaps)

It was nice segue into the anxiety surrounding the response, "I don't know". It makes people uncomfortable because the response reminds us that we're fallible humans trying to exist. Reasons we answer this way: I don't have enough data, I don't know how to read the data, The data is creating some dissonance, and my favorite, data what data? (BTW I love Brent Spiner!)

It's okay to not have an opinion on something when you don't have enough information or background. Work with people that are okay with that answer, but who also help you resolve some of the above reasons why we don't know something. Coaching/Teaching is about learning. The learning takes place for both the teacher and learner. I think that maybe one of my more endearing qualities as a coach. I'm not an insufferable know-it-all, my job is to teach, and to be good at teaching, I have to keep learning. You will work many problems as a coach. Some of those solutions will be easy to implement and some will elude you three or four recruiting classes in. Keep the lines open with your team, staff, and administration so you get the time to figure it out. 

Coaching is a rough job because you are not guaranteed any amount of time to solve the problems that need solving. Surround yourself with people that are open to learning and as long as you are too, things will be okay. But I cannot guarantee your administration will give you the time to fix anything so take it easy on yourself. You can't control that.

Tinker Mode

I think the best way to learn is by doing for me at least. I don't have an affinity for large broken things like cars and motorcycles, but small broken things intrigue me. I started taking stuff apart as a kid as a way for me to "help" my dad around the house. I was plenty good at breaking stuff, I'm clumsy, so I think my dad thought it would be a good idea to let me tag a long and learn how to fix stuff since it was bound to break in my hands. It started with fetching tools and parts. I learned their names and what they were for. Then the fun part, dismantle the thing, find the failure, fix the failure, and put it back together. 

The first couple of times on my own I would have parts leftover, strip threads or lose a bolt. Over time, I got better at it. I still occasionally break a tab or lose a screw. I learned a little downward pressure while turning can help loosen an overtightened screw. If you use a sharpie or tape you can keep track of which screws go where. Some of my favorite things to find and fix are watches, pocket knives, pens, cameras, sewing machines, and vacuum cleaners. I dabble in mending fabric of all sorts, camping gear, and bicycles. 

There are so many resources available to us, there's really no excuse to not try to fix things on your own. Give it a go and don't be afraid to suck, as with any skill, you'll get better at it with practice. It's bloody hot out there, stay hydrated.

For the love of spiders

Why are spiders so maligned? I believe they deserve our reverence, and we should not be so quick to squash them or shoo them away. They control pests and are some of nature's best builders. I'm not sure if there is already an analogy for this but hear me out. A spider hears and sees all yet never tells a soul. They live in places where they are rarely seen or heard. But you know they're around by their webs and possibly a dead one occasionally. A spider will rebuild a web after a hand, foot, or unwilling face demolishes it. Over and over it rebuilds, it may adapt and build that web in a corner or out of the path of destruction. Spiders scare some people. There isn't anything wrong with that, but why do they scare people?

If anything spiders embody a spirit that can be characterized as resilient, efficient, and clever. They don't care if you are scared of them, they are going to keep building that web and existing in your spaces without apology and without shame. Sounds like a great way of being to emulate. I feel like a spider sometimes. I know my presence in some spaces makes people uneasy because I don't talk very much. I like to observe before jumping into the conversation. I need to know if the vibes I'm getting are authentic. I need to know if I do or say something you find odd if you'll shoo me away or squash me when I am no longer useful.

Why Let Your Athletes Protest?

Being a collegiate athlete at any level affords student athletes some privilege and notoriety. I wish more college coaches would encourage students to participate in campus protests to bring attention to community and national issues if students feel strongly about the issue. If your team culture is healthy, then it would be a natural progression in terms of what your teams do as a part of their culture. It puts critical thinking and informed presence up front.

If we're committed building teams and community, it makes sense to encourage the kind of leadership that student athletes can provide. For example, white cis men should be using their privilege to be out in between police and protestors shielding their classmates not antagonizing or baiting police. How does this help your program? Community engagement without the having to worry about your team's performance in sport. Conversely if you have white cis men acting out, throwing rocks or agitating the police it's usually someone other than a white guy getting dragged off in cuffs. The visibility for your program is a net positive and the optics that a cross section of the student body is engaged can possibly give cause to the administration to think twice about adverse actions against the student body. Especially those that represent the school in sport.

From the other side of this, the sell you can make to your director and supervisors is that support for the greater student body and not just your student athletes is paramount to the success of athletics as a whole. This is another chance to reconnect with the student body in an authentic way. You grow your following, you raise the profile of your teams, and you gain support within a larger community because you understand that this generation has not known education without violence. This group of college aged students learned Run, Hide, Fight as primary schoolers. If you've done the work to create a healthy team culture this can serve to strengthen bonds, and forge a toughness not often tested in sport. You're mentoring leaders and nurturing global citizens so why not give them the chance to recognize their privilege and stand with the oppressed. 

It should go without saying, but make sure that your student athletes educate themselves not on just the issues, but how to protect themselves and each other as well. From a former street medic, it's important to know how to stay safe physically and electronically. How to Protest Safely

Edited 4/29/2024: 1st Paragraph-- Students should have the choice to participate in campus protests if they feel that it aligns with their views. It should not be coaches imposing their opinions or views onto students and using them to protest in their place. Coaches should also participate if they are in alignment.

2 Posts in One Month

I currently work with Middle School students. I do expect a fair number of drops, bumps, and spills. It's photography business for the 7th grade today. A kit was was dropped and the bayonet on the lens was busted all the way around. Upon inspection of the body itself, it seems to work just fine. I can't quite inspect the entire function of the lens, but from the aperture I can see no visible damage to the glass or mechanisms. I can buy a used lens Canon EFS 18-55mm for less than $55 or fix the bayonet for $20 and risk something else being wrong with it as a result of the drop.

But Bou, it's six screws and an uncomplicated alignment, you could totally fix it. I imagine these kit lenses don't offer metal bayonets because they are built for mass consumption and/or to keep the prices down. I dig that. I do wish Canon made these parts more readily available to tinkers and hobbyists like myself so we can repair our own gear. 

None of the reputable dealers in my area will sell me a bayonet. If it was my own money, I would buy a bayonet and gamble that nothing else was wrong with the lens and that the bayonet was a quality part. But, I don't have to play this game. I'm going to replace the lens with a used one and hang on to this one until the next accident. We'll find out then if the lens is still good. Unless a kid shatters the bayonet again (sad trombone).

I Don't Work Here

Life is so strange I swear sometimes I just want to exist anonymously. I have a very good friend that assures me that I'm actually good company. While I still feel this isn't true; I do make an effort to leave the house for stuff other than work. After having a discussion with my therapist it's more nuanced than that. I want to do my hobby/travel/work, and blend into the freaking background. The appreciation is great for a job well done, but you know what's better? When people just let me exist without pointing out how different I am or how unique my methods or reactions are. Some compliments feel like an effort to point this out. That's a me problem I'm working on.

At the same time, I'm noticing how much minutiae I'm have to actively to block or filter out to exist in peace. I want to disappear into the background, but at the same time I don't want you to walk around with spinach in your teeth or a bat hanging in the cave (nasal boogers). I'm not sure where this talent for detail stems from. I suspect my observation skills have probably been honed over the years by the military and coaching, but the foundation of these skills might stem from my autism if I believe my therapist.

Another friend suggested that it is because of my observation skills that I accidentally/subconsciously invite strangers to ask me for assistance in places where it's obvious I don't officially belong or work at. I'm not known to hide my expressions or judgement well. Without fail leaving my apartment opens me up to a variety of requests for assistance. Although, sometimes I freely give it when someone looks utterly defeated or is in apparent peril. I really like minding my own business, but if it's raining and you have no idea how to fix a flat, I will stop and help. If you drive a vehicle regularly, please learn how to change a flat. My goofy ass may not be nearby to help you.

But at a store or a shop, there's a uniform for people that work at those places. They are paid and more qualified to answer your questions than I am. I obviously don't work here since I have no nametag, no vest or apron so why do strangers ask me for help?

Sharing the Passion

Tinker content ahead, it's a been a minute

For the new school year, I was asked to run the technology for our middle school students. Our first project is to build a car capable of protecting an egg on an incline and half-pipe at the skate park nearby. They could only use recyclables or reuse/repurpose unrecyclable materials. As you can imagine, there's lots of cardboard, foam packaging, bubble wrap, bottles, cans, and egg cartons.

A lot of decisions for the students to make here:
What's the best way to protect the egg?
How do I get more distance off the roll?
What shall I name my creation?

Things they're learning along the way:
Measure twice, cut once.
Hot glue is hot, and so is the glue gun.
I need to rough up my wheels so they roll instead of slide.
Eggs are really strong and fragile at the same time, weird.
The foam is satisfyingly squishy.

This group is doing a great job, refining their creations through test runs, helping each other build, and learning it's okay to make mistakes and get messy. We have rocketry and bird house building next.
 

My Coaching Evolution

Invoking Plato is not something I do in my spare time. As a matter of fact, it reminds me of undergraduate classes taught by a rather droll professor. I could never top her delivery or wit. The Allegory of the Cave is, however, an apt metaphor for the evolution of my coaching philosophy. I like to think I leave a different cave each time, but in reality I probably am just in a different part of the cave.

St. John Fisher College
My first coaching job was at my alma mater. It's difficult to remember what philosophies I picked up as a coach there. I was relegated to serving/hitting buckets of balls, watching high school matches, dissecting team film, and coaching the B-Side. I think maybe because some of these athletes were my former teammates, it was hard for me to see the power differential, and be objective at times. I did learn lots of drills, and gain technical proficiency in terms of statistics, and how to instruct. I do believe my familiarity with the athletes allowed me to motivate and advise them appropriately.

SUNY Geneseo
When I started my first head coaching job, I coached the way I was coached, and that was a complete disaster. I hadn't built emotional capital with the new team, so they all thought I was being different for the sake of being different. The previous staff had made a habit of overusing sarcasm, and funishment. They didn't understand that time in the gym could be better spent building technical proficiency as a bonding moment. I had not taken the time to explain it or speak to them about the benefits of moving away from negative reinforcement. I did a poor job of connecting with them and expected to work through the team captains when I should have had a more hands on approach to guiding them to a better way. 

Surfacing from the cave for the first time. I understood later the issues the previous staff caused and why my style did not go over so well. A personal connection is required before your proficiency matters to them. I wasn't quite sure how to show them I cared. I thought the time and effort I put into planning, learning, and recruiting was enough, but it wasn't. They wanted to know about my life, and they wanted to share theirs. From this I learned to compartmentalize and create boundaries with the student athletes to connect with them on a personal level but still maintain a level of professionalism our jobs require.

RIT
Growth mindset hasn't become a buzzword yet. I don't think I had to shift my mindset after my first coaching failure. I mean coaches for the most part are teachers, and learning is part of what we do. At least that's how I feel about our profession. So I think I adopted a growth mindset pretty early in the coaching space before it had a name. One of the few ideas that was carried over from the military, if you aren't learning or improving yourself, what exactly are you doing?

I spent the next few months being humbled by my actual corporate job as a technical writer and consequently rising while learning from one of the best coaches in our area. Roger taught me so much about recruiting, mentoring, problem solving and the other parts of the game that make a program successful. All good things come to an end though. He moved, and I chose to improve my craft as a coach elsewhere. I didn't have the same issues with this team as I did the previous team. There was no familiarity with the exception that they had played against my teams. They were curious about me and I made the effort to get to know them on a human level. I was there for 1.5 seasons. The ties I have to these athletes run a bit deeper than my first stop as head coach. 

Emerging from the second cave, I saw teaching the sport to college athletes is actually not the top priority at most programs. Academics, teamwork, and error management are all competing with improving skills on the court. I think getting to know the athletes on and off the court helped me to see the whole picture of what it's like to provide an excellent athletic/academic experience. Honestly social media started to creep into our lives by then and it became clear media literacy and harm reduction was another subject coaches had to address.

Gannon University
I moved to a new city to work with people that only know me on paper. Taking what I learned previously, I had to simultaneously show the new staff that I was competent, and trustworthy while making sure the athletes were comfortable with my presence in the gym. My reception from the student athletes was luke-warm. Who is this short, goofy, and fussy coach? Why is the shortest coach in the gym working with the middles (usually the tallest)? I bonded with the assistant coaching staff easily enough since we were both new and learned the new system together. Matt ran offense differently than I had run myself or taught others and it was really cool to see it in action and the improvement in the student athletes. Of my 18 years coaching, I spent the most time here, six seasons. In that time, I busted out of the cave twice.

After the first two seasons there, I learned how to manage personalities and expectations. And in 2012, we won our first PSAC championship. The athletes on that team were not always the best teammates, but when it mattered they made it happen. Team chemistry is important, but sometimes winning is the best motivator. I remember letting them know not all teams are families and that's okay, we're trying our best to accomplish the same goal.

In 2015, I was selected as D2 Assistant Coach of the Year. Matt Darling, my head coach nominated me. Probably the only part time coach to receive such an honor. I left the cave again. Solutions don't have to be elegant. They just have to work. I remember Matt asking me during a planning session, " How are we going to win Regionals and make it to the next round?" I usually take my time answering questions like this because I am an overthinker, but this time, I blurted out, "Beat Wheeling Jesuit." And it was reflected in our strategies moving forward in recruiting, training, and culture. Happy kids play better. How do we make our gym joyful and express gratitude for what we do? We created practice plans and team activities to give us opportunities to do those things for each other. I left summer 2016 for a full time job at a different school. Matt and Gannon are still doing it, and I'm so proud to be a part of their growth and success years later.

College of Wooster
Sarah likes to collect people. She admitted this much to me when she hired me as an assistant. I didn't know what she meant, but she knows everybody. I swear everywhere she went, she had made a connection with several people there. At this point, I hadn't realized the extent of how important those connections were. Sarah put a lot of trust in me early. I was hired the summer before the season began, and while trying to learn names, faces, personalities gave me some flexibility in how we would train the team. Personal cave moment, I started talking to a therapist. It made me a better coach. I was thinking of the athletes from a trauma informed perspective vs. a position of assumption. I learned how to ask better questions to learn about the driver of behavior and motivation. I think Sarah collected me when I needed it most. Sarah and the team gave me a place to feel a sense of belonging as I learned how to unmask an exist in the coaching space as someone becoming comfortable with their autism.

Salem College
I tried my hand at head coaching once more. I put all of the things I learned previously together. I like to think my first year there, I did an okay job. I helped to heal the collective trauma of my new team from their previous situation, merged some large personalities, and made systematic changes and improvements to the program. Then Covid-19 slammed the brakes on all of that progress and I just couldn't see past it. I did receive validation from several people important to me that, even while unmasked, my compassion for people and ability to solve problems is quite apparent even to strangers. This validation gave me the confidence to apply for D1 jobs.

Seattle University
I was here for one season. In that season, I witnessed some of the most abhorrent coaching behavior in person that I had ever encountered, fear was the prime motivator in this gym. It was really hard to work with. I've only worked in one place where fear as the motivator was appropriate, the Army. The fear of death is the best motivator in that case. The athletes feared losing scholarships. The other staff feared losing their jobs. The job was so stressful that they confided in me that sometimes talking to a therapist was unhelpful.

As someone that follows procedure and likes to be direct, I took it up with the head coach first. I tried to offer solutions, and was turned down each time. She didn't see a problem with it. Another major incident occurred, I went to administration and they offered to mediate a conversation that lasted hours and went nowhere. It was hopeless. I could not get her out of the cave to see that it was possible to build a decent offense with the personnel we had available to get one or two more wins, and that fear didn't have to rule the gym. It was causing me a great deal of stress to not be able to get the administration or this coach to see the harm that was being done to the student athletes. They weren't soft. If anything, they were just as tough as any team I had coached in the past, and some even tougher judging by their lab and class schedules.

In the end, I couldn't live with myself if I never brought it up with her and the administration. I ran through all the possibilities and scenarios, and each time it ended up with me feeling tremendous guilt for staying quiet or getting fired for backing the student athletes. I'm positive I made the right choice. I have no regrets for trying to protect the mental and physical well-being of student athletes. I may never work in college athletics again (not for lack of applying) but I know I'm a good coach, and my work has had a positive impact on the people I work with.

Who Sleeps in The Library

Well, I do apparently. My junior year of college I fell asleep in the library, and having been neglected by campus security at closing time, set off the alarms at the library on my way out. Nice run on sentence, though. It was an accident, and I actually performed well on that particular exam. This time around, I paid to stay at a library as a guest. Gladstone's Library in Hawarden, Wales. Below is the library in the evening just before sunset.

Some of the highlights of this trip, meeting locals at Talacre Beach and learning about the firing range for the Royal Air Force, erosion and dunes. Just across the River Dee is Liverpool, England. I would be remiss to mention the dozens of dogs and owners that I met during my jaunt to Talacre Beach. Especially the cheeky few that brought me sticks and balls to throw at the protest of their humans. Anyway, here's the lighthouse at Talacre and a few cheeky pups.

There's something about the way books smell that's quite invigorating. The history, and theology rooms all smell that way. I can't quite explain it. I'm not sure if it's a combination of ink, paper, and binding glue that compose vellichor, but step into any used bookstore and you'll get the idea. The staff at Gladstone's Library was kind enough to send along interior shots to me because as it is a library, and people are there learning and studying, I didn't want to be the distraction with a camera. I composed the shot below imagining some dedicated soul looking through archives and hoped I could catch a silhouette of the person in the room, but no luck there, maybe someone forgot to turn the light off or went to catch a snack.

I spent 5 days, and 4 nights at Gladstone's Library. I was able to enjoy Christmas Roast (lunchtime meal) and their breakfast with a few add ons for an extra cost which is listed clearly on their page. I might have stayed an extra night to experience afternoon tea at one of local tea rooms or at the Library. For me, it was the perfect amount of time for my first visit to Wales. 

On my first day, I went to Talacre Beach, walked around to beat the timesuck, and had brussels sprouts, chestnuts, and chorizo at Gladstone's for my evening meal. On my second day, I explored the area around Hawarden and was tempted to play golf, but thought better of it, since I was there to explore, not get frustrated at an unfamiliar course. 

Then the clouds and rain came just in time to nudge me into exploring all the nooks and crannies of the history, and theology rooms for the next two days. I absolutely love political cartoons and got my fill. I think if I was a religious scholar, I might have been able to spend more time in that particular section, but that's not my cup of tea. I wouldn't mind revisiting and trying to catch a guest speaker in the future and exploring more castles. The few I went to were easy to get to and provided a fun walk amongst all the sheep. Below is the entryway to Hawarden Castle grounds. People bring their dogs to walk the grounds amongst the sheep. The sheep are unfazed.

What's left of Hawarden Castle, it's fenced off so this is as 

close as I was able to get without disturbing the sheep.

I believe this pine cone sculpture of native wood is dedicated

 to a local benefactor of the Hawarden Castle property.

Bucket list

Crossing items off a list brings my lizard brain a great deal of joy. Crossing off bucket list items is pure exhilaration. No, I'm not going to space although I still hope in my lifetime it's possible for average people like me to visit the stars. I keep doing so in my dreams, and for now I'm content with that. Perhaps it's worth its own post in the future.

As a kid I read, From The Mixed Up Files of Basil E. Frankweiler so many bloody times, the librarian gave me a copy when they retired the book from circulation at my college graduation. I gifted it to a child when I was traveling. I'm hoping some kid is reading that copy under a blanket with a flashlight, but I digress. 

It's happening though, I'm visiting Wales and staying at Gladstone's Library. While at the library, I will seek out Arthurian legend, Chaucer contemporaries, and local Welsh lore. I also have visits to Talacre lighthouse (another bucket list item in the subset of lighthouses), and some castles in the area weather permitting of course. 

I haven't done this in a really long time, but I'm going to take my camera and scope out some wildlife. I'll find some deer paths and try to capture some of the local fauna and landscapes. If my knees cooperate, I might take in some elevation and put some miles on my boots. I'm looking forward to my visit and possibly making some new friends. Okay, maybe that's a bit ambitious, but I will say hello to people and introduce myself to them before asking about their dog. (Progress, right?!)

Any how, I've booked all the things and am patiently waiting for this well-earned trip. I'll be sure to share this journey with you in my next entry. If you can't already tell, I've taken a great deal of time to heal and process over the past few years. I fully expect to post here on a regular basis and appear sporadically on social media. 

Daydreams

I get caught daydreaming a lot. When I say a lot, I mean when I'm speaking, sometimes mid-sentence, I trail off to my own little world. I stare and come back to my original thought. My social media friend posted something from NASA about Jupiter. I commented on how I often daydream about what it would be like to visit the other planets and surf the atmosphere of the gas giants in some sort of space vessel. I don't know why I daydream about space so much.

My life as it is, is fulfilling. I get to help people at work on a daily basis and feel like I'm contributing to the success of the younger people that I'm mentoring. I have a social life that doesn't stress me out. It's the perfect balance between my tendency to hermit crab and improving social mores without masking it all. 

Real life is finally satisfying. I wasn't sure if I'd get here after falling so far after my exit from collegiate sports. I think I daydream because I can't read books all the time. I would miss my stop, get hit by a car or fired. Some people draw or make music to express their creative side. Daydreaming is my art because we all know I don't sing or draw so well. Maybe one day, I'll be able to project my thoughts directly from my brain. For now, you get my spectacularly bland writing. Here's some Proust for seasoning.

“When a mind has a tendency towards day-dreams, it’s a mistake to shield it from them, to ration them. So long as you divert your mind from its day-dreams, it will not know them for what they are; you will be the victim of all sorts of appearances because you will not have grasped their true nature. If a little day-dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time.”

― Marcel Proust

Time Flies

How time flies as you get older. There doesn't ever seem to be enough time. Perhaps we need to think about it differently. When I was 20 something years younger, I would try to do as many things as I could when I traveled. I tried to see and do all the things. I had the energy and I needed to maximize my dollars, so why not, right? After decolonizing my brain a bit, I came to the realization that being in places and spending time with people was what I would come to cherish most. Going places and doing things is no longer the goal. I'm really just trying to soak in the views, rest my body, and taste the local flavors.

This summer, I put that to the test. On my excursions, I set out to do one or two cool things each day. Set aside one whole day to relax. And you know what? It made for a really great time to connect with the local vibe and experience some things a typical tourist might overlook. I make a point to visit the library and the dog park on my trips. I feel this is where my people are and where I can find events that would interest me. I ended up with some great memories and photos to go home with. It made travel less stressful because I wasn't in a hurry and I think it made the trips I took more enjoyable and relaxing.

If planning a holiday away feels pedestrian, I highly recommend changing up how you plan or don't plan your time.

Water Otter

Hey there. I just got back from a work conference and a week of actual vacation. No, really. I went on vacation and didn't think about work or perform any chores on visits. The ISTE conference was in Philadelphia. You know what that means right, Reading Market. Did you think I was going to say cheesesteaks? I'm partial to keeping a regular schedule so I skipped the cheesesteaks. For the last 20 something years I've only known the convention center in Philly as a series of never ending volleyball courts. To see it as exhibit halls and learning spaces was kind of strange. No head on a swivel, no nets to trip on and no rando Cheese-Its for me to steal (story for another time).

There were adorable grade school kids from Australia demoing and teaching us the things they learned in their project, among them: robotics, coding, empathy, and problem solving. They had Tim Tams and a little Koala clip. I'm sure they had a blast in their free time. I did all the usual convention things, spoke with peers, shared ideas, ran away from vendors, and learned so much how to help people better.

My teammate from Fisher who is in the HoF, BTW lives in Philly so we hung out, caught up, and had dinner at Cry Baby Pasta. Good teammates like Erin, just kind of pick up the chat like we just had practice yesterday. We mostly talked about current events in our lives, like how she loves living in the city, and how I love living in Seattle. She stopped a few times to make sure the pup was okay because apparently amateur fireworks are not just limited to the Seattleites in Capitol Hill ( I still don't know which spelling is correct-shrugs-). 

My flight home was unpleasant in that Delta rerouted me through 2 cities Atlanta, and Vegas since my flight to Detroit was delayed. This was 10am. I got my meal voucher at 3pm (time change). That was in Vegas (Fricken Vegas, ask me about the time a drunk man proposed on the plane to me and the flight attendant just nodded). I grabbed a quick bite and wandered a bit. I did play the slots and won something for my trouble. Enough that I feel the universe nodded and said, "my bad". That's not even the highlight of this trip. 

Remember Erin? She's famous, at least in my mind for her accent. I giggle something fierce every time she says, "water". It's been probably 10 or years since I saw Erin last. I brace for that bone crushing hug, and she waits for me to tap out. When I say bone crushing, I mean she presses her full weight into your sternum and just squeezes the air out of your lungs. Use your inhaler, Bou, crap I left it at the hotel. We sit, and as soon as the server comes by, I'm already laughing. I'm thinking of jokes and riddles so I can hear her say "water". She pronounces it so that it rhymes with otter. I miss it so much. Thanks for entertaining an old friend, Erin! See you again soon, buddy.

Putting 2022 In The Rear View

Last year about this time, I had written nine of my End of Year letters, and sent three. The other six still sit in a box on my desk. I was distraught with the loss of a career, close friends, and the prospect of finding a new job looked terribly grim. If you've ever played on one of my teams, you know the roller coaster analogy. This drop seemed like it would never end, until March when I interviewed and was hired for my current job. I had to rediscover my identity. I had to unlearn a lot of behaviors, and I had to figure out a way to get the roller coaster uphill so I could get to the fun part of the ride. Here's a run down on how that went.

I made new friends. If you know me well, you know I don't make friends everywhere I go. I'm not one for small talk. There are several things that I can talk about at length with anyone that is willing to listen: reading, teaching, learning, and volleyball. My other hobbies aren't really conversation worthy unless we are doing them together, and mostly it's just me doing the thing poorly but still enjoying the company like golf or pickleball. It's my clumsiness around people and things that makes for a good story, but I digress. 

So it took about a year, but I did it. I have introduced one friend to volleyball. So much volleyball that she kindly repeats some of my favorite coaching cues (we're early) when she spots it. I have to say, it was really fun to connect with another person and not talk about work all the time, but instead reflect on our own relationships with other people. When I was going to the therapist on a regular basis, this was my single most gratifying kind of conversation. Because if you haven't figured it out yet, I really don't understand my own relationships with other people. I rely heavily on my friends for that feedback.

I made time for myself. In this recovery year, I made time to take a break from job hunting and go for walks to explore the neighborhood. These walks saved my sanity and ultimately kept me motivated when I felt like nobody wanted to hire some grumpy nerd lady to fix things or coach volleyball. Once I got a job, I scheduled and continue to schedule regular massages. I have started lifting again and doing my mobility work on a regular basis. 

For a while, my knees just really hated me. I listened and started small with the bands, and now throw in a kettlebell workout once a week, and my knees do feel much better. With all of this new found free-time, I have gotten into the habit of cycling to run small errands, and eventually when I get stronger will cycle to work more frequently after the winter. In my meditations, I found myself calmer more often than not and realized I had been in fight mode for most of 2021 and that carried into 2022 until I gave myself the space to take my time and just be.

What I discovered over the summer is that I've been a part of chaotic and destructive cycle. I don't have to live that way anymore. I know who I am and what I am. My identity isn't tied so tightly to my job anymore. I can be myself and it isn't a novelty. I can unlearn a lot of work habits that were useful to me previously without sacrificing my values. I gifted myself good friends, good food, and good scenery. It's been a long time since I've been able to be so generous to myself and others at the same time. This is the me that I like best. The one that sends the letters that she writes. Anyway, I think the roller coaster is getting good again, looking forward to the loops, twists, and turns. 

Why the extra -er?

I'm funny that way. If you recall, a tinker is someone that fixes things in an unskilled or uninformed way.  I add the extra -er because my tinkering is quite deliberate. I like to take objects, ideas, and systems apart and reassemble them to make them more efficient or find out how they work, or in some cases don't work. Sometimes I pronounce or spell words incorrectly on purpose. Tinkerer is one of those gags I borrowed from an old SNL skit with Chris Farley when he used to talk about "living in his van down by the river". It's sort of funny that I do fix things for a living and for fun, but I am one of the clumsiest people I know. The reason I'm good at fixing stuff, is because I break a lot of stuff. Ask anyone that knows me. If you want a really good story you can ask about the time I spilled a beer on someone's love interest because the tables were at an awkward height and I just didn't know what to do with my arms.

What I Miss Most

Here's something I started in April, but didn't finish until today.

Spring season the time when nature and fall sports teams renew, grow, and when needed, correct themselves. This the time in the gym I miss the most. It's when the student-athletes put in a tremendous amount of effort to change patterns. It's difficult because some of the gains are not tangible and often unrealized until next fall. I miss the "a-ha" moments and the satisfaction of connecting with a student that may have been skeptical or confused. There's an intense feeling of accomplishment when one student makes a conscious effort to make better choices on and off the court. So when you get the whole team to buy in, well you can imagine the exhilaration that comes with it. That's a high that balances the worst days in the gym and on the road. ---

I did not participate in summer camp season. For twenty-something years, my summers have been spent traveling to work volleyball camps (for the extra cash, an edge in recruiting, and to network). I must say my wallet, and my body are content with it. My knees got to experience a lot more bicycle trips and hikes this summer and we are happier for it. I did miss the kids joking about my terrible name recall or the fact that they are taller than me. The most enjoyable part of camp is the last day. They say goodbye to their new friends, show their parents what they learned, and thank us for teaching them stuff they didn't even know they didn't know.

Now it's fall again, I've missed preseason, and the first week jitters. I miss hearing about dorm life adjustments from college first years, and the plans of too soon to be departing seniors. I'm not sure if missing the enjoyable parts of my former life as a coach ever ends as grieving is a process, but my new job is slowly capturing my heart and bringing me a lot of unexpected joy. I have new tasks ahead of me to build a positive technology support culture and teach 5th and 6th graders what there is to love about volleyball. While my colleagues are much more in tune with the rhythm of middle school life and helping me adjust, I am slowly but surely getting on beat. My goal this school year isn't to stop missing volleyball but to share the things I enjoy most about it, maybe incorporate the best pieces along the way, and yes to learn everybody's names.

Big Deep Breath

Staring at the drafts here that I may not finish. I'm okay with it. Some of you may know that I moved to Seattle, WA to take an assistant coaching position because it was the right time for me to move on. I was looking forward to coaching in a different division, league, and geographic region. I was optimistic that I could impart my knowledge and experience to assist this new team in their quest for an improved athletic experience.

Someday, I'll tell you about the events that preceded my firing the week before Thanksgiving. I'm sure I can carve out some time to write about the struggles the student-athletes and staff experienced in great detail, but for now, just this: I'm at peace with my decisions. Knowing the outcome of my actions, I would make the same decisions again. I did my job to protect the integrity of our sport, the welfare of the student-athletes and my colleagues. Even though I was fired, I left on my own terms. I spoke my truth and stood up for those that feared retribution. 

I took some time to feel my feelings and sort through them. With help from my people, I'm able to say that if this is how my career ends I'm proud of it. I've had the privilege to work with amazing student-athletes and coaches. Some of them have moved on from volleyball, and I guess it's my turn now. I promised the student-athletes in my farewell note that I'd be alright after this ordeal and I am. One of the first lessons we learn as teammates is that failure is about getting back up. Sometimes when you get back up it isn't to return to the spot where you fell from, but to get an opportunity to attack from another angle.

Lighthouses

I've been obsessed with lighthouses since watching Reading Rainbow as a child and reading the book featured in that episode about a lighthouse keeper. I've read many books since then, and visited several stateside. In fact, second only to public libraries, lighthouses are a mandatory on my travels to new places. Sometimes they're the sole purpose for visiting a certain locale. Obviously some places don't have lighthouses, and while many are automated, I secretly hope that one day, I can live in and maintain one, even if it's just a museum or attraction.

I'm not sure if it's the solitude, the proximity to water, or potential for danger that attracts me, but it's one of those things I've always wanted to experience. I imagine it suits my personality and improvisation skills very well. I have a knack for survival and work well alone. I'm confident in my repair skills. I do pride myself on my ability to fix just about anything and make due with the supplies I have on hand. I used a shoelace to hold a cell phone to a tripod so that we could stream one of our away matches on IG. 

I'm not really sure why or how this came up. I am pretty random that way. I guess I'm good with my hands, and I wish I was able to use them more.